So remember how I said I was going to post twice a week? That didn’t really work out. I forgot about the important fact that I’m in my junior year and taking literally all honors, AP, or pre-AP classes. I’ve been buried under a mountain of work, stress, sleep deprivation, and apathy. So that’s been fun! The more homework I have, the less I want to sit down and focus on it, and the less I focus the longer it takes, and the longer it takes the less sleep I get, and the less sleep I get the less my will power is to resist procrastinating. It’s a deadly cycle and I can’t seem to snap out of it. I just can’t summon enough energy to care, really. By the time I pull myself together enough to start working it’s 5 or 6:00, and it takes me until around 11:00 to finish. No matter how hard I try I can’t focus in A block, and I find my eyes glazing over as I start to fall asleep. Then I spend all of B block dying of dehydration because my history teacher thinks all water bottles are filled with vodka. C and D blocks are normally OK, but by the time I get home all I want to do is stop having to think and have some free time, so I read my book, and I watch TV while exercising, and I run errands with my mom to practice driving, and then it’s 5:00 again and I have to do homework. Ugh… I know this is my fault – if I’d just buckle down and work it wouldn’t take ten billion hours. But if I start working as soon as I leave school I never get any free time, and how is that helpful? Everyone always says that I need to take time to myself to be happy, but doing that has just caused problems. What’s the answer, mysterious Advisory TED Talk Gods? Or are you just making this stuff up, because that’s how it feels right now. The classes themselves aren’t the problem – they’re fun and I understand most of them and am getting good grades. What’s hard is TIME MANAGEMENT, the bane of my existence. I find it really really hard to focus on something like a homework assignment for a long period of time, and I get distracted really easily, which results in my doing one math problem, then reading my book, then doing one more, then reading (etc). It’s not so efficient. I know I need to focus. I know I need to get it done. In the moment, though, that all goes away and I just get terribly horribly bored. It’s super demoralizing.
As this progresses my organization deteriorates. I’ve already missed a few homework assignments that I just didn’t know about, and I’m afraid it’ll get worse. That is honestly the part the scares me the most. I’m used to being the goody-two-shoes perfect student who always is on top of everything, but when I’ve got headaches every day and I can’t make myself emotionally invested in just about anything, that’s hard to maintain. I don’t want to lose that part of me, the part of me that I’ve always counted on to do things right.
I’ve been kind of waiting for a magical solution to all my problems, but I know that’s not going to happen. As everyone’s so fond of telling me, I’m grown up now and have to take responsibility. So I will – just as soon as I figure out what it is I should be doing.
Kira McKinley 
Junior year is tough for everyone; it’s the make or break year, and believe me, you’re in good company in terms of being overworked with little time to yourself. Time management tends to be deadly to people of all ages, and I am no exception. I feel your pain.
As for the whole “goody two shoes” student thing … I used to be like that too, once upon a time, in a land far away. Not so much anymore, at least outwardly. I tread the line between artsy creative and quirky normal, and for me, it works. I’m happy with my self image, and I’m happy with what I am able to accomplish. Breaking out of the mold you feel the need to adhere to is difficult, but it can be done over time, slowly. Being uptight and always “winning at life” is a difficult persona to keep up. The truth is, sometimes life kicks your ass, and you just gotta keep gettin’ back up and trudging towards a finish line you can’t see. But the important part is that you know the finish line is out there somewhere, off in the distance. So you pick yourself up, and you keep at it. Try to not worry too much about acing everything, about 100%ing every assignment. So long as you reach the finish line mostly in tact, a few HW assignments is inconsequential.
If you’re happy with who you are, instead of chasing after an identity that is no longer working for you, or perhaps one that doesn’t even accurately defines you, then you’ll get there, and you’ll get there with a lot less stress. Searching for yourself, and who you are is very important, and it doesn’t happen by clinging to who you think you are; it happens by allowing yourself the opportunity to grow and change. I wasn’t always who I am now, and I won’t stay like this forever. You can’t stress over how you’re changing as a person, you just have to learn to accept and enjoy the ride.
There is value in every version of one’s self.
Hang in there, this isn’t a race you’re running alone here. We’re all right there with ya. We’re all tired, overworked, stressed, and dehydrated.
I can’t teach you how to be like me, nor do I think myself a great example to follow, but I seem to notice that many of us are rather unhappy with our current situation. All I can say is this: learn to love life, in all its joy, in all its pain, in all its gratifyingly great grades, in all its sleepless nights.
Learn to love the experience, and life will seem a lot brighter.
– Gabriel T.
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