I’ve been really bad about blogging this summer, but now that school’s started back up hopefully I’ll get back on track. More blogging about the mysterious dark recesses of Kira! Speaking of dark recesses… there’s something I need to clear up.
I want to make clear something I probably should have a while ago. I write a lot of posts that are kind of harsh, and , especially on the last post, a lot of people have responded like I need reassurance and help and such. Don’t get me wrong – I’m glad you care! It’s just… I’m not actually being down on myself. I was actually really proud of that last post, and now I feel kind of bad, because I think I worried all you guys. I’m not trying to, I promise! I know I have a high ratio of really intense posts to “happy” posts, but it’s not because I’m feeling particularly bad about who I am. I’m just thinking, and challenging myself. It’s easy to think about the things I’m good at or proud of. Everybody wants to think about stuff like that, to ignore the fact that they’re not perfect. Especially me. I like to be perfect. But I’m not perfect, and I don’t want to blind myself to that. If I did that I would be lying to myself. I don’t want to be a person who does that. I want to be a person who is able to look at themselves and understand what they’re seeing, a person who can acknowledge their faults as well as their strengths. In order to do that, I have to challenge myself to think, to look at things from a different perspective. I’m not very good at that yet. I get mad about silly things, forget to consider someone else’s point of view, or become disgruntled when faced with being less then the best at something. It’s hard to be open and thinking when my emotions are running high. But here’s the point: I’d rather know. I’d rather be a jerk and be able to acknowledge that and try to change it than be a jerk and be blind to it. And this blog is about me, about letting all of you inside so you can see the things I think about and understand what I’m really like. If that’s too darkly introspective for you guys to be comfortable with it, I’m sorry, but it’s true. I like being able to write about the hard things, to challenge myself to express all the weird things that pile up in my head. I’m proud of it when I’m able to do it. I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m doing something that I’m genuinely proud of and happy to be able to express, and the goal is to help all of you understand too. If I write about something happy and silly, it’s probably because I can’t come up with anything else. Writing posts like that is boring. I’d much rather give you guys something to think about. If I’m going to write, it’s going to be meaningful, and exploring the things that are sometimes hard to talk about is more meaningful to me than anything else I could think to do with this blog. So, in conclusion: I’m not sad. I’m not being down on myself. I’m trying to understand who I am better and bring you guys along for the ride. I know sometimes I wander off track and get a bit polarized when I’m writing, but the essence is normally something I want you guys to know and consider. So consider away! This blog is for thinking!
Kira McKinley 